If Jesus Had A Kenyan Wife

I got this from a mail forward and I thought it was funny. Girls, is it true that even Jesus would not have been good enough by your standards. Reminds me of a recent biography of the Obamas in which Michelle is alleged to have dismissed Barrack's early community organizing work as not good enough for her. She wanted him to get a real job with real pay!

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”What do you mean you were wandering in the desert for forty days? Don't give me that fake story about not eating or drinking for forty days and then you come up with a cock-and-bull story ati you were being tempted by Satan, what do you take me for, alaaah?? I think you must be having an affair with some woman but you are too dumb to come up with a convincing lie. Ebu try another! You mean that other woman was not cooking for you for all those 40 days, mlikuwa munaimba kwaya??”

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”The other day I heard that you asked a certain Samarian woman for water. Does it mean that our tap has run dry for you to go begging for water?Keringet imeisha Nakumatt? Kwanza do you know whether she boils her water, venye kuna kipindupindu na Typhoid? I figure out that you were not actually after any water... you had your own ‘watery’ designs ! Why did you ask her about her husband, so that you vamiaher?? Wewe Yesu, wewe?? Umeanza ukora si ndio?!? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

”And what about that woman who touched you (your Kanzu) and you said she felt well. Heeh?!? She felt good! Where did she feel good?! Answer me! Where?! How? I also need to feel good saa huu huu! I swear if I catch you na huyo kinyangarika wako, I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids with me, sitaki upuzi wako! Then eventually you will have to face my father and the whole cabinet of our clan, ati feeling well? My foot!!”. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

”I wish you would just settle down and focus on your caperntry career instead of just hanging out and zururaring with that team of yours! Kwanza that Simon Peter guy, mimi simpendi, aende akanyoe hizo mandevu zake, pengine zina vigunyoo! Huyo Mark anaonekana kama chori na Mathew aliniitisha chai bila heshima kaa ambae Ketepa imeandikwa kwa uso wangu, simtaki hapa kwangu, na yule John anatembea kama Kidungumaria,nilmuona vile namwangalia maid wetu na macho za kugwara,aahh? kwani ni lazma utembee nao? You used to be a great carpenter, lakini ma-sofa ya watu na Shoe Racks za tangu last year haujawamalizia wateja, wee kazi yako ni kurandaranda, ati unaponya watu, si uniponye mimi kwanza?!?Nataka kuponywa mpaka nichizike; haaahhhh!! What happened to that ka-trip ulisema utanipeleka, kwa ile beach ya Lake Galilee? Siku hizi wee ni mrongo saana! At least you used to be able to put food on the table when you had a steady jobo. Watu wa kwetu wanataka mjukuu mwengine, so, ni lazma ufanye OT, sitaki kujua! You need to grow up and take responsibilities, mii sikuja hapa kuwa sanamu ukutani, nataka nipige nduru kama yule mke wa Barnabas!”

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”You have been bragging around that you fed some five thousand people with only some few loaves of bread and two pieces of fish when your family here ata chipoh za Kenchick ni matanga kupata! Can’t you see that we are suffering from malnutrition? Eti "Magic"!? What magic? Can't you perform that magic in our matrimonial home and give us enough Pizzas na Matobosha, na samaki wa kupaka na Chapoh kama tray kadhaa hivi to eat for a lifetime?!? Now, that will be magic ya nguvu! Give us a good house, wee si ni Carpenter, nyumba yavuja kama kichungi cha chai, na wewe una-do?? By the way, nataka chapaa za shopping nika-buy zile Jeans pencil and ear rings, ornaments na kadhalika, yaaaani, give us riches, umesikia??I’m not buying hii stori ati you are going around and feeding other people with borrowed or begged food, kwani wee ni AMREF au Shirika la Msalaba Nyekundu??” xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

”I think that you have been taking me all along for a ride kaa mimi ni Tamarind Dhow. I don't need a hippie for a husband; I need to feel like other wives feel! You spend all day with those twelve jerks and sometimes you are gone for weeks on end; mimi najua munaenda wapi, kwa nani na kwa nini??. You don't spend enough time with me neither with the kids. I need to feel loved. Where did the romance go: down the Dead sea? Sometimes I think you put your jerks and those 'vinyangarikas' before me. I need to feel like I am number one in your life, au kuna mwengine na mimi nimezubaa hapa kama pimbi??” xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

”And by the way,I don't like how one of your buddies looks at me. That your boy Judas. He keeps coming around when you are out for apparently no reason. Mara anataka hiki, mara ataka kile, simuelewi! He kept popping in every few days when you were gone for those forty days. He gives me the creeps. You need to check on the homies you move around with au nitawapiga marufuku wasije hapa tena; have I made myself crystal clear?!?”