Sideshows: Wanjiru and her glory need help.

The Bishop Margaret Wanjiru Vs. Kamangu saga has kept Kenyans on the edge for the past few days with no signs of abating soon. In a show of further naivety on Wednesday, the Bishop and her overzealous minders stoked the fire more by roughing up a journalist soon after stage-managing an electric blackout that marked the end of a press conference she had called. In sections of the media, she has earned the negative tags of “witch-turned-preacher” and “multi-millionaire Bishop”, which will not help her win more souls for the Good Lord. The last few months have seen the Bishop make numerous appearances on TV talk shows and print media interviews in an obvious well choreographed publicity charade to woo potential voters outside her regular church audience. I imagine in cognizance of our society’s sensitivity to unmarried women leaders (Wangari Maathai could not shake the tag of a divorcee during her presidential campaign in 1997), Wanjiru thought roping in a husban in would improve her respectability and improve her chances of taking the glory train up the road to Parliament Road. In an interview with Swaleh Mdoe on KTN a while back, she feigned knowledge of who the father of her children was; in retrospect, it was not a very bright thing to do as vox pop says it denotes promiscuity. Elsewhere she branded the imaginery father of her two sons a drunkard. On realizing that Kenya did not take kindly of her unsavoury remarks from the pulpit last Sunday, I was hoping she would quickly want to quieten things somewhat by say, faxing a statement to newsrooms with her sincere apology and going away for three weeks to kill interest in her. The Kenyan news editor will not send a reporter to Gachie to fish for a story. No way. He sends a reporter armed with a verbatim account of everything that the Bishop said (a bit of roiko can be added for flavour) and seeks his reaction. This back and forth diatribe of “enda umwambie mimi nimesema…” can go on forever until one of the parties sobers up to the reality. Of course the two proponents have divided Kenya right in the middle depending on what page of this saga you are on. There is a page on family values and who a father needs to be. Can you just donate sperm, move on and still demand the title “father”? The traditionalist are happy to argue that once you sire, the title “father” cannot be taken away even when you did not contribute to parenting. There is a page of on religion. The traditional church must be rejoicing at the damage the Bishop is doing to the credibility of the new-age televangelists that she represents. For the not-so-religious, this saga is a whip to use against the materialistic tendency of the new-age evangelists. Some said that the day your man/woman of God acquired body guards was the day the thin line between a shepherd’s humility and celebrity-like status became blurred. Others see the unseen hand of the sitting Starehe MP, Hon. Kamanda, but I think in the true wisdom of the Indian proverb- “sit on the bank of a river and wait: your enemy’s corpse will soon float by”, Kamanda must be enjoying the spectacle from his riverbank. Another angle that is captivating the masses is the obvious dread and phobia that Wanjiru has of her poverty-ridden past. Iin a country with over 80% of the population living on the wrong side of wealth, her “jiggers” remark was met with bewilderment and sides were easily taken. As a nation, we also seem to see ourselves in the underdog and in every debate, we end up siding with the side that ably acts out their weaknesses and vulnerability: with the exception of the English Premier league in which we only support the top five teams! Back to the woes of our Bishop; last night she made another suicidal move by not showing up for Julie Gichuru’s On the Spot talk show. If she ever desired sympathy, this was her best chance. Julie would have handled her in the most humane motherly manner possible at no cost to her and her flock. From here on, she truly is on her own. She was declared to have gone underground immediately. So you can imagine the anticipation her “surfacing” will cause. This morning there is new (self-incriminating) evidence all over the airwaves, from her own recorded sermons that will do her cause no good. My professional advice as a Communicator: Go to Kamangu (without attracting crowds) and apologize to him and his parents. Record that visit. Show humility as you address Kamangu. You may wish to be accompanied by your children. Ask him to let you go South and assure him that the fact that he is your children’s biological father cannot be changed. Wish him well in his new life. Remember the gripe Kenyans have with you is because you keep apologizing to them and not to the guy they perceive as the victim. Ensure that you have a basket of goodies (bread, tea leaves, sugar, cooking fat, flour, etc) for Kamangu’s mother. Go home and wait for Kamangu to tell the world that your domestics are sorted. Postpone the wedding for some time. Go on a holiday and let your Pastors run the show back at JIAM. Sit back and don’t open your mouth. This being an election year, there are ten sideshows just round the corner waiting for you to get out of the limelight. I hope this advice gets to you in time. Good luck.