An Awkward Man & His Awkward Views
A personal space for out of depth and awkward views, commentaries, observations, inspirational messages on family life, Kenya,travel,reviews, un workable ideas and much more.
Saturday, May 04, 2024
What Jennifer Did- A movie on Netflix.
Image Courtesy of Netflix
Jenifer Pan is an only child of Vietnamese immigrants living in Markham, Toronto Canada. One night she reports to 911 a home breakage by three men.
Hann Pan the dad is shot and in a coma while mum, Bich Ha Pan is shot dead.
Back story. Jennifer lied to her parents for four years that she was in university studying pharmacy. She did not qualify for university.
Jennifer Pan was an average student. She did not perform well in school. She was a constant disappointment to her parents.
They did not trust her to make the right decisions. One of her bad decisions was a relationship with Danny Wong a fellow school band member. She started dating Danny in high school and the relationship was not approved. Her parents were restrictive. They did not want her to date him because Daniel Wong had become a drug dealer and probably not anything close to the son-in-law they had hoped for.
This Netflix documentary tells the story of what Jennifer did. Sadly, after interrogation by detectives, her story of events of the night do not add up and she is soon arrested and accused of her Mum's murder and her Dad's attempted murder. She is charged along with her ex-boyfriend.
It turns out that she had planned the murder of her parents to get out of a situation she found herself in. She had lied about her grades in 12th grade. Which led to another lie about her four years in college.
She did not tell her parents that she failed her 12th Grade maths and did not graduate high school but she made a fake diploma. She fakes her University admission and 4 years later they believe her. She lied that she got a full scholarship to study pharmacy.
No one knows where she spent her school hours for 4 years. She perfected the art of lying and faking her life. She even faked moving closer to Toronto University to be near school for her final two years. Supposedly she is living with her female friend but in reality she is living with her drug-dealing boyfriend. They fake the graduation certificate too.
For me, the big questions are; were the parents too strict and controlling? The Dad expected her to be a doctor despite her low grades. She wanted to study kinesiology but she did not have the freedom to choose. They wanted her to get into Toronto University but she did not get the necessary grades. Ryerson University was her only choice but even that was too steep for her and she was not admitted.
There is a likelihood that Jennifer may have had a genetic disposition to lie or be dishonest. We may not know this because the documentary does not explore that line. She may even have inherited that from one of her parents but that is not the angle taken by the writers of the
documentary.
Pressure to succed from parents.
My take, is that the girl may have acted the way she did because of pressure to excel exerted by her parents. It is common for Chinese, Indian, African or Latina immigrant children to excel and dominate in some sectors in Western countries.
The same is common in Africa and specifically in Kenya. Some parents set very high bars for their children. Some children are prepared from early ages to aim for courses like medicine, engineering, technology, law and so on.
If such children do not have the requisite IQ or inclination to pursue the chosen courses, many suffer from resentment, abandon the courses and opt for different courses or drop out of school altogether.
Sad as it is that a life was lost and a family broken forever, this is a good documentary to watch for parents and prospective parents.
Let me know what lessons you take from this.
Thursday, May 02, 2024
Men With Female Names: A Yoke Around Gikuyu Men’s Necks?
Lately, we have had a healthy dose of debate on the uniquely Gikuyu phenomena of naming children after their mothers. On social and mainstream media, prominent voices of influencers and public discourse commentators have lent an opinionated voice to the matter.
Some
have explained the matter, others have ridiculed the children, especially adult
males, some have sought the cover of history and popular culture manifested in
the community's pride carried by men's "love" of being associated
with their mothers. It is almost made to look like all Gikuyu males love to be
associated and identified with their mothers.
The
truth of the matter is that this emanates from the high prevalence of single
parents (read women) in the community. This can be traced to a seven-year
period of the so called State of Emergency (October 20th, 1952 to January 12th,
1960) when the social and cultural fabric that held and still holds many other
communities was violated systematically by the colonial government. The
community has since been broken, traumatised, demasculinized and feminised;
hence the universal entitlement and herd-mentality masked as tribal superiority
and nationalism the community suffers todate. There are many other Kenyan
communities with single female parents but rarely do you ever hear of their
children named after their mothers. Have you heard of Kevin Mueni? Brian
Nkirote? John Nekesa?
It
may seem like the government's agents tasked with persons registration have a
different brief for Central Kenya. The birth certificate is very clear that a
child's male and female parents are necessary, and space is available for their
names. What is the purpose of tying a man's future to his mother and not his
family name. Every child belongs to a lineage and specifically a clan. There is
no child without a father; whether he is acknowledged, present and wanted, or
not.
Some
have argued that in the cases of divorce (which existed even before colonialism
came to our shores), a maternal uncle was expected to fill in the cultural role
of a father by mentoring his sister's son. In culture there was no void. Why
not name the boys after their grandfathers, uncles, or clan names? If the
purpose of a third name along with the family's origin (sub-location, division,
district/county) is traceability, in 2024 we have technology associated with
mobile telephony that can do that easily and cheaply without perpetuating indignity
on a whole generation.
Whereas
the local Chief could trace any citizen originating from his area, by the
family name in the 1960s; rural-urban migration has since happened and for
generations many families no longer associate with their ancestral or original
homes. Infact searching or tracking the lineage of a Joseph Kamau Wanjiru whose
current abode is Githurai, Kahawa Sukari or Lavington is akin to a needle in a
haystack.
Female
names in Gikuyu are limited to slightly more than the nine mythical daughters
of Gikuyu and Mumbi. Male Gikuyu names on the other hand are plenty, colourful,
sobriquet, anecdotal, territorial, fame-associated, event-associated,
career-associated, descriptive monikers and easily traceable.
Think
of Mukuhi, Muirù, Muriu, Mwerù, Ritho, Kaniaru, Njogu, Wachira, Mùtutho,
Mùnene, Kòru, Mìgwi, Itotià, Chotara, Igana, Mwariama, Mugo, Munyua, Murìmi,
Murìithi, Muthomi, Gitaù, Mùriùki, Ndege, Kairù, Mùkabi, Mùikamba, and so on.
Traditionally
women had no fixed abode and could be married far and away from her relatives.
It was an abomination to marry blood relatives in Gikuyu traditions. If indeed
the government's requirement was for purposes of tracing lineage in case of an
accident or a lottery win; the insistence on a mother's name lies flat on its
face!
The
colonial government needed every adult to be well known and easily traceable to
a geographical location and family pedigree and hence all the details necessary
then, including a thumb print. It was a humiliating political endeavour along
with the Hut Tax and denying male labour access to their families while in
forced employment. Robin P. Williams says, "Once you can name something,
you’re conscious of it. You have power over it. You’re in control. You own
it". If you name it, you own it.
Kipande,
later a passbook was first introduced in 1915; worn on the neck by all Gìkùyù
males like a dog leash. The tradition of humiliating the Gikuyu males continues
unabated almost a century later. It is not enough that you cannot enter a
building, get a service, be medically treated, withdraw your own money from a
bank, be recognised as a human being and citizen without an ID; but we
creatively find one more way to humiliate a Gìkùyù man by adding his mother's
name to his identity!
According
to Elvis Ondieki, the British abolished the need to walk around with an
identity card in 1951. Identity cards were first issued to women in 1979/1980.
Maybe before that only school and birth registration existed in government
registers and not in a wallet-size document.
Is
it not time we gave back these Gìkùyù men their dignity? Is it not time to stop
de-emasculating the community's male adults. Is it not enough that the alcohol
related pandemic , broken and dysfunctional families already plague the Gìkùyù
community without loading them with an identity crisis. Is it not time to
re-masculate and build back the communal and family blocks that is the
traditional and accepted role of men as leaders and heads of their nuclear
units. Is it not time to return the river to it's original course.
Is
it not time for a leader or leaders to rise up and point the direction towards
amending our laws and divorce them from the original colonial intent of
humiliating and subjugating a people. Is it not time for a single MP in
parliament to take up this healing assignment. Is it not time for the so-called
elders to do more than slaughter goats and wear earth-coloured tunics in the
name of kìama kìa mà (council of elders)? Is not time for them to use their
influence and lobby their legislators to correct this psychological wrong that
Gìkùyù men carry around their already burdened necks?
Who
will give back the boys their dignity.
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
Mama
Every saturday I accompanied mama to work. She worked half day. I did not understand why I had to wake up early and it was not a school day. My siblings would still be asleep when we left the house. I was the last born in a family of three. She worked in an wooden office block as a secretary and I was bored to death waiting for noon when she would get off.
We would take a bus into town and straight into Blue Room where an ice cream treat awaited me every single Saturday. I would lick my stick clean before we reached a restaurant where a plate of chips always welcomed me. I felt special. While I struggled to finish my lunch, mama would be busy with a friend who I did not take much notice of. He was always waiting on us in different restaurants on different Saturdays. He had a full beared and always kind to me.
They had intense discussions with mama but I had no idea what they were discussing. I do not remember much but he was always there before we arrived. I was so focussed on the meal and feeling so privileged unlike my two siblings. I was so busy concocting the details of the ice cream flavours and chips taste that I would need to share with my brother and sister to notice that mama was holding hands and stealing kisses with the bearded man.
An hour later and a full stomach, I would be struggling to finish my orange soda and ocassionally would nap on the seat. Mama would tuck and cover me with her sweater or throw. Without any sense of time, I would be woken up when it was time to go home.
I do not remember ever sharing details of mama's friends to my siblings or dad but I had a lot to say about the ice cream, the chips and soda. I do not ever recall mama warning me to keep quiet about him, either. But I never mentioned him to any one.
Years later in my adulthood, I have been reconstructing those moments, trying to see any signs I may have missed. Trying to recall anything mama may have said to me about him. He was never introduced to me. I have no idea what his name was todate.
My parents are divorced and I have often wondered if the bearded man had anything to do with it? Was mama in a relationship with this man? Was he her first love? Was my dad aware of something. Did mama use me as an alibi? Was there mistrust in my parent's relationship and hence the need to be mama's chaperone on Saturdays?
Now at 26 years of age, I keep wondering if I aided and abetted a crime againist their marriage institution? Was I an accomplish? Guilt fills my heart everytime I visit my dad and I want to ask him for forgiveness. I avoid visiting him in his rural home alone. It feels like he can see my soul and the skeletons I hide in there. Hard as I try, I cannot get the right words to initiate a verbal engagement that could lead us to a place where I can pour my heart's content for him to see that I was not party to mama's escapades.
My dad was a very vibrant, outgoing and gregarious during my childhood. Today he is all introverted, a man of few words though his eyes seem to dance to a different rhythm. His energy seems drained. His limbs are slowed by arthritis that has invisibly sculptured his finger joints, elbows, knees and toes to mock the crooked claws of a drunk bird.
His eyes rapidly dart back and forth, right to left and back. Dancingly youthful. They seem to be the only organs and body parts from the dad I knew in my childhood. They have a life that age, marriage failure, loneliness have not managed to reach and crush.
Mama on the other hand has lately become very hostile to me. I cannot recall what..
My therapist says
Mama had a secret account
Depression is real.
Wednesday, January 17, 2024
Nyabohanse- The Village Where Everybody Is A YouTuber In Kenya
I recently asked on a different forum if anyone knew about Nyabohanse; this after hearing the name pop up here and there. No one seemed to know much about the place, so I did some digging up and I am glad to know this amazing village.
Is Blogging Still A Thing in 2024?
My first blog post was on 13th November 2006. It did not go well and I guess being the thirteenth may have had something to do with it. Up to 2014, I was consistently writing articles about my daily life, re-posting articles that touched me and commentaries on Kenyan life.
My blog was named Tekelea, a verb, Swahili word meaning to be fulfilled, to attain or to achieve. In due course, it changed to Above The Din Of Life and lately An Awkward Man & His Awkward Views.
My first article was published on 13th November 2006 and was monetized on 17th November 2009.
Coming back here is quite some therapy happening. It is a different world we live in. Back in time, blogs were big and it was before YouTube became big. This was 2006. The word blogger in Kenya has a totally different meaning from the rest of the world. I am glad to see that the dictionary still defines it as " a person who regularly writes material for a blog", further the word "blogger" can also simply mean a person who writes and publishes a blog.
18 years later the world has changed so much. We now have AI, and social media has become something else but I think I want to go back to writing here and write so much. I will have to google and find out if Blogspot is still a thing. What is the strategy for Google today? Is Blogspot still top in their strategy?
I will come back here with my findings and the way forward, but just know that I am back and back in a big way.
Thursday, November 09, 2023
My Cottage Journey
"I am the proud owner of a small beautiful cottage in a pristine locale surrounded by nature, laden with all your daily needs of cool clean water, sunshine, fresh fruits and traditional foods. When the world around me goes all chaotic, this is the place where I seek refuge.
This cottage might as well be located in any of the following exotic places- Takaungu, Lamu, Kwale, Mathews Ranges, Kesses, Naivasha, Taita Hills, Nanyuki, Kikambala, Vipingo, Aberdares, Happy Valley, Nyambene Hills, Chyulus, Mfangano Islands, Isinya, or a thousand other such places in any direction you take in Kenya.
I could have moved in sooner, but I especially wish to turn the cottage into my retirement home. I have therefore started planning how I will put it up in the next five years.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
I Have Lots Of Respect For These Men Who Overcome Adversity Everyday......
Life is hard and we all are fighting one battle or the other. True we do have occasional episodes of some good times when the stars are aligned in your favour, but it seems we are always fighting challenges and obstacles most of the time.
Some say that life is not fair and we should not expect it to be smooth. Some say that the true mark of man is how he handles and overcomes challenges that marks one as a success.
Others like the good people at www.thindifference.com say that life has gifts and challenges. Its your duty to identify your gifts and utilize each them for your benefit.
They say "Each of us has gifts. We may not recognize it right away, or some may take time to develop. Either way, we all have gifts. It could be writing, dancing, leading, lecturing, designing, inventing, thinking, business etc. In our life, we have gifts to use.
We all have challenges. Each of us has challenges. They stare at us each day. Our challenges can be procrastination, disorganization, drugs, alcohol, laziness, negativity, unhealthiness, anger, poverty, etc. In our life, we carry a challenge or two."
In the context of our third world realities, it may not be possible for opportunities to abound for one to take advantage of his gifts.
Two men who are in the lowest echelons of our society and who are my friends have earned my immense respect and admiration for overcoming challenges that would overwhelm many. Here are their stories.
Ernest is a security guard working for a multinational security firm. He plys his trade in my block of flats in Nairobi. He is the first born in his family and the burden of expectations from his family is just too heavy. He moonlights as a carwash guy, cleaning at least 8 cars in the compound when he reports for duty. Between 7 pm and midnight, he will wash the cars and earn at least a thousand shillings from each every month. That meagre amount complements his net salary earnings of seven thousands. Ernest has taken all loans possible from his salary.
Over the last two years we have talked about his desire to get out of the poverty circle. His father has a two acre shamba and with four sons, there is not much land available for farming. He once mentioned that his home is on the outskirts of a small rural town. I asked him if he consider building some four rooms for rental. Construction is not expensive in his part of the country where bricks abound. He took up the challenge and commissioned his young brother in high school to bake the bricks. His father donated some timber for curing the bricks.
In no time, the rooms were ready and the forces of demand and supply soon dictated that a lodging was preferred to the monthly lease by the locals. Although he could not afford to furnish them with beds, a mattress on the floor was earning him three hundred shilling a night. The possibility of earning over a thousand shilling a day as opposed to washing a car for thirty days to earn the same was his eureka moment. He used to call me to chat on how that was eye-opening moment.Soon he was planning to run a pub in the compound and increase the rooms.
Two years later, he is about to resign from employment to go to the village to run his pub and lodging. He is moving his family to the village in the new year. He has a chicken project planned for the wife who was jobless in Nairobi. He will lease one or two farms to grow sugarcane as well as manage a brick making enterprise to supplement his income. He says that he will be busy with the bricks, chicken and sugarcane businesses in the mornings and the pub later in the day.
As part of my encouragement and support, I donated to him two empty crates of beer and an old computer that will be refurbished to house a hard disk of 40 plus hours of music to keep his patrons entertained.
I wish Ernest all the best on his ground-breaking venture.
The other gentleman I have met and admired makes a living in a trade we called "chupa na debe" or "wadebe" in our youth. He buys old newspapers, plastics and metals from those who have more than they need. He is the original OLX though his repertoire of products is limited. Mbogo was brought up in abject poverty and was not lucky enough to get an education. His family had a small piece of land that was disputed and forced him to look for a way out.
Without education, he didn't have many choices and ended up scourging for scrap metal and paper. He soon built a network across the City and beyond into the region selling his papers as far as Kampala. I met him when I wanted to get rid of my heap of old papers and as we were measuring the same we got talking and became good friends over the last three years.
Mbogo today owns a nursery school in his adopted village employing three qualified teachers and earning some money from a business he admits he knows nothing about. He has entrusted his business to the teachers and the community supports him.
He recently invited me to his village as his boy was being initiated into manhood and I was proud of his determination to overcome the challenges he was dealt by life. He has a permanent home and thriving farm on his one acre shamba. And what a transformation- when in the city he rides an old bicycle and adorns some not so pleasant clothes. However in the village he is well dressed and groomed. When I inquire he tells me that in Nairobi, no one will sell scrap metal to a neat person, there is a mental lock we have on who should trade in old papers and scrap metal.
These two men have earned my respect by the way they have overcome adversity and make something of themselves. They have used their gifts and not dwelt on the challenges laid on their paths. Hongera.
Do we let our gifts shine through, or do we let our challenges weigh us down?
Image Courtesy-http://inspirationcafe.org/